Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
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That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
What flavor cupcake are these
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots