I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
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There is no “we” in pizza
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
dam girl
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I’m going to need a moment here.
Received some very disappointing news today
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.