Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
You Might Also Like
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.