Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
You Might Also Like
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.