Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
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A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
This is my brand.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Shoo shoo! 😂
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
brian had himself a morning…
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house