There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
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“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
consequences, the bane of my existence
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.