[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
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Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I hope they boil the right one.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.