At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
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Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.