What in the hipster hell is going on here
You Might Also Like
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
My therapist after every session
Room with a view.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch