To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
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HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I’d love this…lol
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
No regrets in 2018
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke