When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
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Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
my fav colour is also hitler
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?