Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
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If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night