Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
You Might Also Like
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future