My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
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Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.