PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
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WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not