i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
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I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
how it started vs how it ended
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?