Single and childfree like Jesus
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[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.