Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
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People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.