Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
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HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
📽️movie date🎞️
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.