Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
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Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave