Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
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And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
It’s the weekend y’all
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Not recommended for beginners.