The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
You Might Also Like
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison