No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
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I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
my retirement plan is braless
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup