cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
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*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
did it work
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.