No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
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We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
🤣dope
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
😩😩😩
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?