ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
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When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals