I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
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Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
There are no pants in heaven.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Sorry not sorry.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.