One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
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BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
smh
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
one last job
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.