humans only use 10% of their treadmills
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Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper