Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
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I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole