The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
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Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.