Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
You Might Also Like
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
your honor my client chooses dare
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
6. me as a lawyer