What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
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It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!