I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
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How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Brb my Sims are getting married
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”