my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
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I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
You deplete me
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
How actors in movies eat their food
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.