” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
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I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
They also CAN sing✌️
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.