Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
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Boating season is upon us.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
My dating profile:
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here