I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
You Might Also Like
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
This kid is going places
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower