I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
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detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Plant care tips
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.