ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
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Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
*3.5 thank you very much.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
#winning
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.