Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
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Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
just pretend nothing happened
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.