So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
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God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos