*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
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Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.