A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
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When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.