Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
You Might Also Like
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I wish this was real life…
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I already tried new things thanks.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you