When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
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According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
*puts words between two asterisks*
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.