Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
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Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
“Wait, let me explain..”
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor