Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
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“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
john wicks are toilet candles
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight