Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
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Do not go gentle into that good night,
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.