Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
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A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.